Your first Diwali at your in-laws' home, in their kitchen

It is Diwali morning in your partner's family home, and it is your first one here. The kitchen is already awake: a kadhai on the gas, steel dabbas open on the counter, someone counting diyas on the windowsill. Every hand in this room knows where the ghee is kept. Yours do not yet, and that is all right.

The look

A few days before, ask your partner what the family wears on Diwali day. Some homes keep a colour for the puja, red or yellow or green, and it is easy to wear it once you know.

The modest option: a cotton silk saree or a straight suit with a full dupatta, in that colour. Pick one you have worn before and can move in. The modern option: a plain long kurta with wide trousers or a long skirt, in one strong solid colour, with a light dupatta.

Whichever you pick, you are going to be in a kitchen. Tuck the pallu or the dupatta in at the waist, or pin it at the shoulder, so both hands are free. Push your bangles up a little, or wear just two.

Hair: a low bun with a small string of flowers, or a neat braid. Tied back, away from the stove.

One detail: small jhumkas. Nothing that swings over the kadhai.

The one confidence move

Arrive in the kitchen early, before the rush and before anyone has to call you. Stand beside her at the counter, not at the door. Then ask for one job: "What can I do?" Take whatever it is, even if it is only wiping the thalis, and do it at her pace.

What to say first

Say it while she is working, in your normal voice:

"Mummy, how do you make the prasad here? I'd love to learn your way."

If you call her Maa, Amma or Aunty, use that name. Then watch her hands, and do it her way today. How much ghee, which dabba, when the flame goes low. Your own way can wait for your own kitchen.

If it goes sideways

Someone may compare. "In our house we don't add that," or "Bhabhi's laddoos come out rounder." Keep your hands on the work and say, "I'm still learning. Show me once more?" It is true, and it hands the moment back to the person who knows the recipe.

One thing to try today

Tonight, ask your partner for three family traditions for the day. Who lights the first diya. What is made for the prasad. What everyone wears for the puja. Write the three down, and read them once on the way there.

Each Sunday: one moment coming up this week, the look for it and the one line to say first. The moment cards are at /moments.